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Incoherent Mumblings Lead to Realization

May 5, 2009

I want to fall in love. But not real love. I just want a good does of the shiny, happy love you see in movies and read about in books. It’s completely unrealistic, but there is something that is addictively appealing about it. It would be nice to know that happily ever after was guaranteed.

Idk…I think I’ve just had too much drama in the past when I’ve been dating someone. I kind of just wish it could stay in the cute “tee hee I like you” phase. Not forever, just…. idk.

I guess I’m just some die-hard romantic who has been pumped up on fairy tales and love stories for waaaay too long. And reality right now? Ain’t been so good to me. And no, I’m not just talking about in the “luuuuurve department,” either. It’s very frustrating because I was working so hard for several things, and they just didn’t materialize when I thought they would. It’s not like it’s entirely my fault or the fault of the universe; it just wasn’t meant to happen now. And even though I do realize that, it does leave a certain, distinct taste of dissatisfaction within my mouth as I prepare to exit the school year and enter into the summer. I’m worn down and beat down and I am just ready for something magical to overtake my life. I’ve spent such a large part of my life reading about all of these grand adventures and mystical events and perfect stories, and I’m sick of just reading about it. But in the past, any time that a spectacular adventure presented itself to me, I shied away and stuck to what I was used to. I’m a creature of habit and habit is my automatic defense mechanism. But now I’m really regretting it.

When I was younger, I was always trying to grow up faster. I had a tough time with kids my age, but I would read so much about how everything would be better when I was older, and so I tried as hard as I could to grow up quickly. It’s made it even harder for me to relate to people–not just people my own age, but people in general. And somewhere along that line, I got very uncomfortable around people and became very solitary. Now when I walk down the halls in school or sit down in class or go to the store, I hear snippets of conversations about things that are being done and I feel like I’m missing out on some grand thing. Except, I don’t know what it is, so I don’t know how to jump on the damn bandwagon.

And I also feel really guilty about going out and having fun.

Admittedly, I did not deal with my father’s death well at all and it’s really been expounded by the fact that from the moment (okay, there was like a ten minute gap) he died until now I have been constantly harangued with this horrible little voice saying “Stop being selfish; take care of your family.” Except–oh, wait–that little voice? Yeah, that’s not in my head. That’s what people have been telling me. And regardless of how hard I’ve tried to just NOT listen, I’ve heard it so many times since that I’m starting to actually listen to it. I hate that. And I feel very bitter over the fact that these people who once told me that I should go out and enjoy life and enjoy youth and follow me dreams are now telling me to buckle down and be strong because my mother and brother need me. No one ever said to either of them to take care of me. Somehow, along the way, I became the man of the house.

I don’t want to be the man of the house. (I’m a girl for goodness sake!)

I try really hard to balance out being a daughter and a sister and still being myself. I really do. But somewhere along the way, I forgot how to have pure, unadulterated fun, to just let loose. I don’t know, maybe I was too busy trying to grow up when I was eight to ever really learn and I’m just now figuring out that while my friends were playing with Barbies and I was reading the dictionary, I missed an important lesson in life.

Or maybe, I’m just taking these stupid romance movies that are being crammed down every girl’s throat too seriously. Maybe that’s the only way I know how to take things–seriously, I mean.

But I do feel like I want something special to happen this summer. I feel as if I need something playful and adventurous to wake myself up–like I’ve been stuck in the dredges of trying to grow up and then not grow up and then take care of and worry about things I shouldn’t be taking care of or worrying about to begin with. I want to not feel guilty when I say I want to have fun this summer. And the more I say I don’t want to feel guilty, the less I actually do. So, I don’t want to feel guilty when I have fun this summer.

God, that feels like a great lightening of my spirit right there.

I think for too long I kept telling myself I should feel bad about this or that and I was always judging myself and I’m beginning to realize that hey, I DON’T HAVE TO. I can love myself just the way I am and that is alright.

Gawd, that feels good to say.

There was a time, several years ago, when I felt like crap. I hated myself; I hated what I was doing; I hated where I was. I didn’t like that. I told myself when I graduated high school that I was not going to hate myself anymore, that I was going to love myself and I was going to change and I was going to start RIGHT NOW.

Oh gawd. Was that hard or what!

And I did. I started to like myself. I started to deal with issues that I had been internalizing and holding onto and not taking care of for years. And I felt better. Slowly I began to realize that I could love myself, and there was only one thing holding myself back. For so long I’ve listened to other people. I have always gone to others for advice and even listened intently when they gave it to me completely unsolicited. But I never listened to myself. Over the past few months, I’ve begun an internal dialog with myself. Sometimes, I’ve verbalized it and seemed like a total quack pot talking to myself. And the more I listened, the more I began to realize that I didn’t have to take care of my family. I don’t have to care for them at all! But I do, and here’s the thing: I realized that instead of me taking care of them, we could take care of each other! And as stupid as that sounds, it was this giant revelation to me. And slowly, all of my guilt and frustration and bitterness is going away.

I don’t know exactly what I’m trying to get at here, or if I even have a point with making this entry at all. I mean, the only thing I can really think to say to end this is that I (rather geekily and waaay too late into the game) like myself. I am mad, head over heels, in love with myself. And, for the first time in about ten years, I am not saddened or disgusted by who I am and I think that it is just remarkable that this transformation has come about because of a teeny tiny decision I made. I mean, I don’t even know if this has been at all apparent to you guys, but I FEEL GREAT. And even though I’m not where I had planned on being, I am ready for some adventure this summer. I hope for some of it–no, I expect the Universe to deliver it to me on a silver platter lined with tiny little flowers and glistening with sparkles. And it’s not because I deserve it or because it’s damn well past time for it (although, truthfully, it is) but it’s because of some strange intangible force that’s come over me.

And…I guess I’m just going to end it there because, really, I have no earthly idea how to end this. With further musings? An inspirational quote? Meaningful song lyrics? Ah, I got it:

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